writing down what I eat...

Today I went to my dietician It was good yet it wasnt that good. My weight is deffinatly not were I want it. I ended up getting a lecture on how much I drink which she cautioned me over and over again about how my family has a history of Alcoholism! I know that all to well and thats why I told myself I wasnt going to drink for a while. I drank quite a bit for a couple of weeks. It was almost every other day. I realized how unhealthy that was for me and stopped. I also dont really need to be filling myself with those empty calories. Which is what I was doing most of the time just filling my body with the rest of the calories I needed in the day. I dont eat as much as I am supposed to. I know I should eat more but today in writing down what I at I was nervous to eat more yet I tried to eat as much as I was supposed to. I got to dinner and realized that I was really lacking so I ate almost every hour after dinner. Im so full right now I want to throw up! However I have told myself that I am not going to start that again. Its really hard to hide and well 3 crowns and over 30 cavities later I really dont think I should purge any more. The shock in my mom's voice when she realized why I have had so many cavities made my heart clench and my face contort because I felt so bad. I remember having to leave highschool on numerous occasions to get my teeth worked on. I did however really like my dentist but I think thats cause I saw her alot. But back to writing down what I eat. I really dont like doing this because I hate realizing how much I over eat or how much I under eat. I wish I could just eat what I need to and exersize enought to make me be thinner. I hate the size I am and well yah I guess some of it could be my body distortion and not seeing myself in a clear light and possibly stressors but most of all its cause I am fat. My body jiggles with every step I take and I feel like a gelotinous mess. Today I went to the store and saw people from the program I went to. They go grocery shopping every monday which I forgot. I ended up walking right passed them and wanted to say that shopping gets easier as time goes on because I could see the fear on there faces because they knew they had to eat what was in that cart this week. While I was walking out I felt like a complete and total fat ass compared to the girls that were in the program and compared to the size I was in the program. Then I saw this woman get out of her van which was parked in a handicaped spot. She tottered into the store not because she was crippled or old but because she was fat. I felt bad because I was calling myself fat in my head then looked at the woman whos thighs were so big that when she walked the fat pushed against the other leg making her teater totter while walking. Her legs were so big that she couldn't even walk correctly. I would hate to be that size and even though I am not sometimes I actually look in the mirror and see myself as that big. Then I suck in to see how skinny I could be. I bet that woman hasn't seen the shape of her ribs in a long time. I like to see the shape of my ribbs I like to suck in so they show. I sometimes wish i was thin and that my ribs would stick out of my skin. A gross thought I know but I wish that there was a small layer inbetween my skin and my ribs to were you could see them glissen. I know my thoughts are skewed but the thoughts wont stop and the voice of ed just keeps talking to me. Ed tells me over and over again that I am fat and unworthy of anything. Ed tells me that I suck at school and shouldnt even try. Ed tells me that I am the worst dancer and I would be better If i were thin. Fuck ed! Ed has been a drag yet I want it more and more each day. There is no escape.