first post...

I decided I wanted to have my first post just be a few things I have written down in the past...

My heart is filled with sorrow…
An un explainable sorrow
I lay here feeling this pain
As music melodiously flows through my head like a river
The music expresses my sorrow
With the delacate high notes of the violin
As the music goes on I envision the past
As if it were a movie and my mind were a big screan
The images of the past play in black an white
And all portain to sorrowfull days
My mind dwells upon the past
And how it has ben tough
My heart wants to greave it all out for once
But my mind restricks it for fear of letting go of what has ben lost
To greave the past is a longing of mine
But fear holds me back
I feel as if im hovering over my body telling myself its ok to cry
Yelling at myself to let go
Yet I stay the way I am and pass people with a smile
As if a zomby numb to any feeling
But im not numb
I feel every little bit of pain
From the prick of a needle to a gaping gash
No one sees the pain I feel
Not even me
I wish I could just let go and release the pain
Like when noah released the dove from the ark
But im afraid the dove wont return
That ill block out the past and forget the things that I have loved and still love
Im afraid that if I search for land a place to rest after the storm
there will be no land
and memories will be lost
So it would end my heart filled with sorrow once more


Its been a while since that day
The day I said goodbye
Or should I say the day I couldn’t say goodbye
You would think a 13 year old would understand
But I didn’t
The concept of you being gone forever
Just like that in a blink of an eye
Its seamed so unreal
Still today I have to tell myself your gone and wont be there for Christmas
And that there will be no more birthday cards with cool drawings
The teddy bears you gave me keep you alive in my heart
Sometimes when I hug them I think of hugging you
I miss those days of hide and seak
And the times you paid attention to me
I always thought you were so cool
And I wanted so badly to be like you
Your one of the biggest reasons why im so passionate about art now
Because I saw the passion in you
I miss you
I love you
Dan


I can see…the way you feel…you don’t have to say it I can see…but can you see how I feel…no one can…all you see is determination…and a look as if I am peering into your soul…you cant tell what im thinking or what im feeling…you wont…because no one asks…and if people do they don’t want to know…but I know how I am feeling…and I know what I want…but no one dares to ask for real…for if anyone can see there is something deep no one wants to touch…

The rainbows and butterfly’s every little girl dreams and thinks of left me a long time ago…being a child wasn’t something that happened to me…I had to grow up…at a young age I didn’t consider myself a child…I was naive…but I wasn’t a child…I knew what was going on around me…I have a very keen sense of knowing…but no one saw me grow up…no one saw the day I wasn’t a child anymore…

December 3rd 2002,
The day dan died
All happiness went away
And depression chose to reside

I choked back tears
I couldn’t let a single tear drop
Everyone said how sorry they were
And every time they did I felt as if I were going to pop

No one knew how I felt
Not even my mom or dad
But that’s what I was taught
Don’t let anyone know how you feel no matter how bad

I used to feel everything took a tank in life that day
But it was really the icing on the cake
My heart was full of secrets and lies
Which made me come off quite fake

The day he died
is the day my heart couldn’t hold any more
It popped and shriveled
On to the floor

The shimmer in my smile faded
The joy in my heart fizzled out
Every inch of my being left
Nothing was left without a doubt

Im not who I was the day he died
I never will be in this life
Because my life has changed so much
Especially when I showed the pain with the knife

Depression came and still remains
It didn’t start then but someone could finally see
The aches and pains
And the hurts that plagued me

thats all i have for now...hope other things are better...