here I lay

This is night three of my spring break...I lay here wondering why I cant sleep wishing I didn't eat what I had just eaten. I am curled up in my bed wishing someone was here to hold me telling me that what I just ate wasn't bad and it wont make me 10 pounds heavier tomorow when I get weighed. I dread going to my dietician yet I cant not go I know I still struggle but I know my struggles now are more of the fact that I cant stop eating. How do you go from not eating really anything at all and throwing up whatever you did eat to gaining 30 pounds and not being able to stop eating. I hate how food is something that controles my life. I dont eat right and im pissed I eat to much Im pissed I eat something majorly caloric and Im pissed! However on days I eat what I need to or less I am so happy. Moreso on the days I dont eat enough. I seem to be more energised on days I dont eat enough. Strange right I should be tired when I dont put fule into my body but I am energised! There is so much of me that craves to just stop eating to just stop all together but I know I cant for one because I dont want to go back to my program. Being there at 8 in the morning till 6 in the afternoon was horrible. I dont know If i could do that again yet part of me feels like it might be good for me to just have someone measure out all my food and make sure its the right amount but part of me fears that that amount might be to much. My mind is focused all on food and weight right now. I keep thinking about being weighed tomorow and how much of a failure I am for being the weight I am. I am the FAT dancer the one who has to wear the biggest size and the one whos fat rolls roll around and jiggle while I dance. I dont really want to know my bmi eather but we are doing that tomorow to. I fear my bmi beause I know htat since IU have gained weight my bmi is going to bo up and I am going to be a fat person on my dieticians scale. Fuck me I go to Omni and I had to have my weight consistently at a certain weight and now my weight just keeps going what the hell! I hate what my body looks like feels like or even thinks like. I just wish I could have been genetically predispositioned to be thin! why couldnt I have been born to skinny stick figure parents who would inturn genetically made me thin. I just am so tired of not being what I want myself to be and I think that maybe if I can get my body there that might be atleast one thing I can get to the place I want it to be...im done ranting and Im so tired of eating...