A good friend of mine once told me that when you are angry or just in a bad mood if you just say grumble grumble grumble with your face scrunched in an angry tone you cant help but to just laugh because it is so rediculous.
I am in a grumble grumble grumble kind day. I didnt want to get up for 8 am class and i fell asleep for most of it because we watched a movie in a warm room with the lights turned off. I felt bad for falling asleep. On the other had I didnt even want to be there because my stomach has been hurting. I hate it when you wake up and instantaniously just feel icky. My day however might get better considering I dont have to go to my next class and I can possibly get a little more sleep because well I need a little more sleep that about 6 hours. So here I go off to sleep slightly hungry cause I cant fathum possibly consuming food when my stomach feels so icky...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
warm feelings...
things that warm me up inside
When you go outside in the fall and your wearing a jacket and jeens and your warm but you can smell the cold and damp leaves that have fallen to the ground.
Songs that calm me with good chords and harmonies that are slow but have a beat to them.
Good genuine hugs.
being full but not to the point were it hurts but to the point were you could just fall asleap.
The smell of warm vanilla!
the warmpth of a small candle. Doesnt matter how big the flam fire will always warm you.
A deep breath in that fully expands your lungs only to be let out fully relaxing your body.
The warmpth of someone next to you.
The touch of something soft. Even a random shirt on a hanger at the store.
When you go outside in the fall and your wearing a jacket and jeens and your warm but you can smell the cold and damp leaves that have fallen to the ground.
Songs that calm me with good chords and harmonies that are slow but have a beat to them.
Good genuine hugs.
being full but not to the point were it hurts but to the point were you could just fall asleap.
The smell of warm vanilla!
the warmpth of a small candle. Doesnt matter how big the flam fire will always warm you.
A deep breath in that fully expands your lungs only to be let out fully relaxing your body.
The warmpth of someone next to you.
The touch of something soft. Even a random shirt on a hanger at the store.
bahhh
So today I was supposed to clean which didnt happend one because my brother fell and broke his head open so I kinda took care of him thismorning two I had to run to the store and make lunch for my aunt my mom and me and three because my mom and I spent an hour trying to get a bag of homemade chicken noodle soup out of the freezer. This bag was frozen in the shelf of the door because the shelf was enclosed by a guard thing lol...So that was my day I was so pooped for all that I fell asleep on the couch...then took a shower becaue I smelled like icky chicken noodle soup and made pancakes for my mom and I...the end!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
interesting things that have happend today...
today my mom has called me a homo for the fourth time since I have been home on spring break.
My mom and I worked out together today and before our workout even started my mom looked at me and said dont laugh at me or make fun of me cause you know im already in a bad mood. Michelle laughed at her a lot durring the work out. I didn't laugh once. I feel like a good daughter cause she is really funny sometimes when she is in pain from working out.
My mom was tring to stretch out an elastic headband today in the car. She was really going at it pulling it this way and that. She all of a sudden puts her arm out in front of me elasic headband in hand and says "Grab A Hold" as if we were going to go on some intence journy.
I went to lunch today with my mom. We went to this place called The Chatty Squirl. We sit down and I could tell my mom wanted to talk about something. I thought she was going to ask me about eating or my mood or something. She ended up starting the conversation she wanted to have by saying this "Ok dont get mad at me but Im going to ask you a question" I looked at her and said "ok..." she then asked me "Are you ever going to date?" so we talk about it and she tells me im pretty and that I need to put myself out there then tells me that maybe my brother could hook me up with some on from Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought that was clasic!
I know all of these stories are about my mom but some arent...
I was at the Hope center today working an art with these kids. A piece of information you should know is that this 5th or 6th grader was a little black boy. He was singing pretty boy swag and I started to kinda sing along with him. He stopped singing looked up at me and asked you listen to that music to?..Classic
Another thing that happend to me is that I took about 20-30 minuts writting an email to someone only to have my internet crap out and deleat the whole email...
My mom and I worked out together today and before our workout even started my mom looked at me and said dont laugh at me or make fun of me cause you know im already in a bad mood. Michelle laughed at her a lot durring the work out. I didn't laugh once. I feel like a good daughter cause she is really funny sometimes when she is in pain from working out.
My mom was tring to stretch out an elastic headband today in the car. She was really going at it pulling it this way and that. She all of a sudden puts her arm out in front of me elasic headband in hand and says "Grab A Hold" as if we were going to go on some intence journy.
I went to lunch today with my mom. We went to this place called The Chatty Squirl. We sit down and I could tell my mom wanted to talk about something. I thought she was going to ask me about eating or my mood or something. She ended up starting the conversation she wanted to have by saying this "Ok dont get mad at me but Im going to ask you a question" I looked at her and said "ok..." she then asked me "Are you ever going to date?" so we talk about it and she tells me im pretty and that I need to put myself out there then tells me that maybe my brother could hook me up with some on from Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought that was clasic!
I know all of these stories are about my mom but some arent...
I was at the Hope center today working an art with these kids. A piece of information you should know is that this 5th or 6th grader was a little black boy. He was singing pretty boy swag and I started to kinda sing along with him. He stopped singing looked up at me and asked you listen to that music to?..Classic
Another thing that happend to me is that I took about 20-30 minuts writting an email to someone only to have my internet crap out and deleat the whole email...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
recently asked
I was recently asked to write a list of things I wanted to do dayly.
1. Laugh
2. Smile and mean it
3. Hug
4. breath
5. Keep moving forward
6. Drink more watter
7. Tell myself one good thing about myself
8. Gossip less
9. Take time for myself
10. try
I thought this was weird to have a list of things to do every day but I find it actually helpfull. I think about this list now and think that I need to try harder in this life. Some days I don't have the energy to try at all but thats why its on this list. I dont always try but I know that I can try harder.
1. Laugh
2. Smile and mean it
3. Hug
4. breath
5. Keep moving forward
6. Drink more watter
7. Tell myself one good thing about myself
8. Gossip less
9. Take time for myself
10. try
I thought this was weird to have a list of things to do every day but I find it actually helpfull. I think about this list now and think that I need to try harder in this life. Some days I don't have the energy to try at all but thats why its on this list. I dont always try but I know that I can try harder.
Monday, March 7, 2011
writing down what I eat...
Today I went to my dietician It was good yet it wasnt that good. My weight is deffinatly not were I want it. I ended up getting a lecture on how much I drink which she cautioned me over and over again about how my family has a history of Alcoholism! I know that all to well and thats why I told myself I wasnt going to drink for a while. I drank quite a bit for a couple of weeks. It was almost every other day. I realized how unhealthy that was for me and stopped. I also dont really need to be filling myself with those empty calories. Which is what I was doing most of the time just filling my body with the rest of the calories I needed in the day. I dont eat as much as I am supposed to. I know I should eat more but today in writing down what I at I was nervous to eat more yet I tried to eat as much as I was supposed to. I got to dinner and realized that I was really lacking so I ate almost every hour after dinner. Im so full right now I want to throw up! However I have told myself that I am not going to start that again. Its really hard to hide and well 3 crowns and over 30 cavities later I really dont think I should purge any more. The shock in my mom's voice when she realized why I have had so many cavities made my heart clench and my face contort because I felt so bad. I remember having to leave highschool on numerous occasions to get my teeth worked on. I did however really like my dentist but I think thats cause I saw her alot. But back to writing down what I eat. I really dont like doing this because I hate realizing how much I over eat or how much I under eat. I wish I could just eat what I need to and exersize enought to make me be thinner. I hate the size I am and well yah I guess some of it could be my body distortion and not seeing myself in a clear light and possibly stressors but most of all its cause I am fat. My body jiggles with every step I take and I feel like a gelotinous mess. Today I went to the store and saw people from the program I went to. They go grocery shopping every monday which I forgot. I ended up walking right passed them and wanted to say that shopping gets easier as time goes on because I could see the fear on there faces because they knew they had to eat what was in that cart this week. While I was walking out I felt like a complete and total fat ass compared to the girls that were in the program and compared to the size I was in the program. Then I saw this woman get out of her van which was parked in a handicaped spot. She tottered into the store not because she was crippled or old but because she was fat. I felt bad because I was calling myself fat in my head then looked at the woman whos thighs were so big that when she walked the fat pushed against the other leg making her teater totter while walking. Her legs were so big that she couldn't even walk correctly. I would hate to be that size and even though I am not sometimes I actually look in the mirror and see myself as that big. Then I suck in to see how skinny I could be. I bet that woman hasn't seen the shape of her ribs in a long time. I like to see the shape of my ribbs I like to suck in so they show. I sometimes wish i was thin and that my ribs would stick out of my skin. A gross thought I know but I wish that there was a small layer inbetween my skin and my ribs to were you could see them glissen. I know my thoughts are skewed but the thoughts wont stop and the voice of ed just keeps talking to me. Ed tells me over and over again that I am fat and unworthy of anything. Ed tells me that I suck at school and shouldnt even try. Ed tells me that I am the worst dancer and I would be better If i were thin. Fuck ed! Ed has been a drag yet I want it more and more each day. There is no escape.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
here I lay
This is night three of my spring break...I lay here wondering why I cant sleep wishing I didn't eat what I had just eaten. I am curled up in my bed wishing someone was here to hold me telling me that what I just ate wasn't bad and it wont make me 10 pounds heavier tomorow when I get weighed. I dread going to my dietician yet I cant not go I know I still struggle but I know my struggles now are more of the fact that I cant stop eating. How do you go from not eating really anything at all and throwing up whatever you did eat to gaining 30 pounds and not being able to stop eating. I hate how food is something that controles my life. I dont eat right and im pissed I eat to much Im pissed I eat something majorly caloric and Im pissed! However on days I eat what I need to or less I am so happy. Moreso on the days I dont eat enough. I seem to be more energised on days I dont eat enough. Strange right I should be tired when I dont put fule into my body but I am energised! There is so much of me that craves to just stop eating to just stop all together but I know I cant for one because I dont want to go back to my program. Being there at 8 in the morning till 6 in the afternoon was horrible. I dont know If i could do that again yet part of me feels like it might be good for me to just have someone measure out all my food and make sure its the right amount but part of me fears that that amount might be to much. My mind is focused all on food and weight right now. I keep thinking about being weighed tomorow and how much of a failure I am for being the weight I am. I am the FAT dancer the one who has to wear the biggest size and the one whos fat rolls roll around and jiggle while I dance. I dont really want to know my bmi eather but we are doing that tomorow to. I fear my bmi beause I know htat since IU have gained weight my bmi is going to bo up and I am going to be a fat person on my dieticians scale. Fuck me I go to Omni and I had to have my weight consistently at a certain weight and now my weight just keeps going what the hell! I hate what my body looks like feels like or even thinks like. I just wish I could have been genetically predispositioned to be thin! why couldnt I have been born to skinny stick figure parents who would inturn genetically made me thin. I just am so tired of not being what I want myself to be and I think that maybe if I can get my body there that might be atleast one thing I can get to the place I want it to be...im done ranting and Im so tired of eating...
first post...
I decided I wanted to have my first post just be a few things I have written down in the past...
My heart is filled with sorrow…
An un explainable sorrow
I lay here feeling this pain
As music melodiously flows through my head like a river
The music expresses my sorrow
With the delacate high notes of the violin
As the music goes on I envision the past
As if it were a movie and my mind were a big screan
The images of the past play in black an white
And all portain to sorrowfull days
My mind dwells upon the past
And how it has ben tough
My heart wants to greave it all out for once
But my mind restricks it for fear of letting go of what has ben lost
To greave the past is a longing of mine
But fear holds me back
I feel as if im hovering over my body telling myself its ok to cry
Yelling at myself to let go
Yet I stay the way I am and pass people with a smile
As if a zomby numb to any feeling
But im not numb
I feel every little bit of pain
From the prick of a needle to a gaping gash
No one sees the pain I feel
Not even me
I wish I could just let go and release the pain
Like when noah released the dove from the ark
But im afraid the dove wont return
That ill block out the past and forget the things that I have loved and still love
Im afraid that if I search for land a place to rest after the storm
there will be no land
and memories will be lost
So it would end my heart filled with sorrow once more
Its been a while since that day
The day I said goodbye
Or should I say the day I couldn’t say goodbye
You would think a 13 year old would understand
But I didn’t
The concept of you being gone forever
Just like that in a blink of an eye
Its seamed so unreal
Still today I have to tell myself your gone and wont be there for Christmas
And that there will be no more birthday cards with cool drawings
The teddy bears you gave me keep you alive in my heart
Sometimes when I hug them I think of hugging you
I miss those days of hide and seak
And the times you paid attention to me
I always thought you were so cool
And I wanted so badly to be like you
Your one of the biggest reasons why im so passionate about art now
Because I saw the passion in you
I miss you
I love you
Dan
I can see…the way you feel…you don’t have to say it I can see…but can you see how I feel…no one can…all you see is determination…and a look as if I am peering into your soul…you cant tell what im thinking or what im feeling…you wont…because no one asks…and if people do they don’t want to know…but I know how I am feeling…and I know what I want…but no one dares to ask for real…for if anyone can see there is something deep no one wants to touch…
The rainbows and butterfly’s every little girl dreams and thinks of left me a long time ago…being a child wasn’t something that happened to me…I had to grow up…at a young age I didn’t consider myself a child…I was naive…but I wasn’t a child…I knew what was going on around me…I have a very keen sense of knowing…but no one saw me grow up…no one saw the day I wasn’t a child anymore…
December 3rd 2002,
The day dan died
All happiness went away
And depression chose to reside
I choked back tears
I couldn’t let a single tear drop
Everyone said how sorry they were
And every time they did I felt as if I were going to pop
No one knew how I felt
Not even my mom or dad
But that’s what I was taught
Don’t let anyone know how you feel no matter how bad
I used to feel everything took a tank in life that day
But it was really the icing on the cake
My heart was full of secrets and lies
Which made me come off quite fake
The day he died
is the day my heart couldn’t hold any more
It popped and shriveled
On to the floor
The shimmer in my smile faded
The joy in my heart fizzled out
Every inch of my being left
Nothing was left without a doubt
Im not who I was the day he died
I never will be in this life
Because my life has changed so much
Especially when I showed the pain with the knife
Depression came and still remains
It didn’t start then but someone could finally see
The aches and pains
And the hurts that plagued me
thats all i have for now...hope other things are better...
My heart is filled with sorrow…
An un explainable sorrow
I lay here feeling this pain
As music melodiously flows through my head like a river
The music expresses my sorrow
With the delacate high notes of the violin
As the music goes on I envision the past
As if it were a movie and my mind were a big screan
The images of the past play in black an white
And all portain to sorrowfull days
My mind dwells upon the past
And how it has ben tough
My heart wants to greave it all out for once
But my mind restricks it for fear of letting go of what has ben lost
To greave the past is a longing of mine
But fear holds me back
I feel as if im hovering over my body telling myself its ok to cry
Yelling at myself to let go
Yet I stay the way I am and pass people with a smile
As if a zomby numb to any feeling
But im not numb
I feel every little bit of pain
From the prick of a needle to a gaping gash
No one sees the pain I feel
Not even me
I wish I could just let go and release the pain
Like when noah released the dove from the ark
But im afraid the dove wont return
That ill block out the past and forget the things that I have loved and still love
Im afraid that if I search for land a place to rest after the storm
there will be no land
and memories will be lost
So it would end my heart filled with sorrow once more
Its been a while since that day
The day I said goodbye
Or should I say the day I couldn’t say goodbye
You would think a 13 year old would understand
But I didn’t
The concept of you being gone forever
Just like that in a blink of an eye
Its seamed so unreal
Still today I have to tell myself your gone and wont be there for Christmas
And that there will be no more birthday cards with cool drawings
The teddy bears you gave me keep you alive in my heart
Sometimes when I hug them I think of hugging you
I miss those days of hide and seak
And the times you paid attention to me
I always thought you were so cool
And I wanted so badly to be like you
Your one of the biggest reasons why im so passionate about art now
Because I saw the passion in you
I miss you
I love you
Dan
I can see…the way you feel…you don’t have to say it I can see…but can you see how I feel…no one can…all you see is determination…and a look as if I am peering into your soul…you cant tell what im thinking or what im feeling…you wont…because no one asks…and if people do they don’t want to know…but I know how I am feeling…and I know what I want…but no one dares to ask for real…for if anyone can see there is something deep no one wants to touch…
The rainbows and butterfly’s every little girl dreams and thinks of left me a long time ago…being a child wasn’t something that happened to me…I had to grow up…at a young age I didn’t consider myself a child…I was naive…but I wasn’t a child…I knew what was going on around me…I have a very keen sense of knowing…but no one saw me grow up…no one saw the day I wasn’t a child anymore…
December 3rd 2002,
The day dan died
All happiness went away
And depression chose to reside
I choked back tears
I couldn’t let a single tear drop
Everyone said how sorry they were
And every time they did I felt as if I were going to pop
No one knew how I felt
Not even my mom or dad
But that’s what I was taught
Don’t let anyone know how you feel no matter how bad
I used to feel everything took a tank in life that day
But it was really the icing on the cake
My heart was full of secrets and lies
Which made me come off quite fake
The day he died
is the day my heart couldn’t hold any more
It popped and shriveled
On to the floor
The shimmer in my smile faded
The joy in my heart fizzled out
Every inch of my being left
Nothing was left without a doubt
Im not who I was the day he died
I never will be in this life
Because my life has changed so much
Especially when I showed the pain with the knife
Depression came and still remains
It didn’t start then but someone could finally see
The aches and pains
And the hurts that plagued me
thats all i have for now...hope other things are better...
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